ice break, real coffee, ice cold

PREAMBLE:
so this is a flavoured milk of sorts. it's an iced coffee. it is very milky though. it does have coffee in it as oppose to being a coffee flavoured milk. after a serious amount of thought i have decided to include it in the milk milk blog.

i was drawn to this flavoured milk during a very long road trip. i wanted something to wake me up. i'm not a big red bull etc. drinker so the obvious choice was coffee. however, the vehicle i was travelling in was very bumpy jumpy so a hot coffee didn't seem appealing after running a couple of hypothetical scenarios through my head (which mostly ended with me attached to a burnt crotch).

NAME: 70%
the name isn't instantly perceivable. a quick glancer could be forgiven for thinking it was "ice break real ice coffee cold".

also, one is confused as to what is the actual name and what is a subtitle or explanatory text. is "real coffee" the flavour? the title? or a guiding measure of succor to our minds which are racing with "what if it's only coffee flavour and won't give me the caffiene hit i need!?".

and "ice cold" ... that can't be the name of something can it? what if someone left it out in the sun? also: i know what you're thinking; but try as i might i couldn't find tiny text reading: "best enjoyed:". i see a trade description act lawsuit rearing its over-bureaucratic but ultimately correct head.

but the name is sort of cool and includes words like "BREAK!", "COLD!" and "ICE!" so it's well targeted to hard people wanting a quick hit of energy.

LOOKS: 40%
not the easiest on the eye. it moves away from the traditional carton form also, which i love. it's minimal but not in a minimalist way.

the bottle itself does have a reasonably attractive matt finish though and the font is suitably jagged and icey and powerful looking. it's probably the flavoured milk that a modern day Thor might drink.

TEXTURE: 90%
literally no complains here: you'll be enjoying a great texture all the way from the first drip-on-the-lip to the last coat-of-the-throat.

TASTE: 80%
this is definitely one tastey flavoured milk. one would guess that you've got to like coffee to enjoy sinking one of this golden-coloured beasts: not true. ellie doesn't like coffee at all and she was loving this one. it is very sweet and without a hint of the harshness of coffee. which, in a obtuse sort of way, detracts from the drink as a concept. the outside says: "icey edges" whilst the inner says: "sweet bevels".

if coffee lovers love this drink, it will probably be because they are also sweet flavoured milk lovers.

FINAL (NaA): 75%
the outer packaging isn't great but it is by no means bad. it's not served up in a carton which is a shame but i can fully see why this has happened (it's a REAL COFFEE milk drink, not a coffee flavoured milk drink) so i can't get too annoyed about that. the text is suitably harsh for a high-caffeine drink but not as harsh as the MONSTER-eque movement.

what does slightly disappoint about this flavoured milk (and it is a flavoured milk) is that you come away feeling like it hasn't stayed true to its roots, so much so i wrote the short story below:

ICE BREAK grew up on the streets of coffeeville. he lived a hard life: daily bean muggings, painful ice attacks, souring milk around every corner. but he grew up, he grew up fast, got his head screwed on straight and got himself to school. learnt the ways of the city and made it big, made it real big. but he changed, became something that wasn't recognised on his home streets anymore. he used to return to see his family but always heard the same jeers:

"filled up with milk ey? got a whole heap of sugar in ya? toned down your bitterness? sweetened up to attract a wider audience did ya? you used to be sour man, you used to be one of us!"

YES/NO?:
definitely try this flavoured milk. even if you aren't a coffee lover, you will probably enjoy it. if you are a coffee lover, take off your coffee lover's hat (and remove your coffee pride) before slurping down one of these.

COMMENT:
i've decided this section isn't needed and will consider removing it for the next review.

oak, chocolate

so this is the milk i drank today. this is also the first of the milk reviews so i'm going to try a header-based format first:

NAME: 25%

i don't like the name "OAK". it makes me think the milk is going to be all woody. maybe some bark floating around in there. brings forward images of whisky/whiskey etc. due to the affiliation of oak with whiskey barrels - which i don't want to be thinking about when i drink milk. i want to be thinking about milk.

LOOKS: 20%

i don't like the packaging. i don't like that it says it's "SINCE 1967". i've never liked products that state how old they are as if that makes them better. unless they're really old and you smack "est." before the year. i would say anything in the 20th century is too new. so "est. 1897" is fine; but "since 1967" isn't. plus hasn't milk production advanced since 1967? i also don't really like the bubbles. is one of the best things about milk the bubbles? for me it's not. overall the carton design is dated. additionally the red text scares my amygdala into thinking of blood and hence danger.

TEXTURE: 90%

a good texture. not too thick, not too thin. this one will slide straight up a straw, no questions asked, but won't be confusing your mouth into thinking your drinking water.

TASTE: 90%

very tasty indeed. and that's coming from someone who doesn't really like chocolate. the taste was very chocolaty without harshing on your taste-buds like sour dark chocolate.

FINAL (NaA*): 75%

this milk is massively hampered by its packaging, brand and name. i have honestly held off on buying this milk because i just couldn't stop thinking of deciduous trees every time i looked at it. it is not sexy or sweet or flash or cool or anything positive really. it's just a bit 90s. but when you get past the outer gown and undress this milk you are rewarded for your (hopefully temporary) lack of visual scruples by a smooth, full-flavoured and deeply satisfying milk.

YES/NO?

definitely try this milk. maybe down a couple of UHTs to get your "milk goggles" on first to help you get past the displeasing carton art, silly name and dangerous-looking font. ultimately tell yourself that which everyone already knows: "you don't have to look at the mantelpiece when you're drinking the flavoured milk".

COMMENT:

if you're serving up milk at a social event (e.g. dinner party, baby shower, record label launch party, etc.) this is the milk for you. you can decant the milk before the event starts into individual glasses or a jug and let people enjoy the taste without seeing the packaging. if you're aiming to cruise the town, trying to pick up friends and aim to be sipping on a milk to attain that "cool edge": look else where.

*Not an Average

first post, no milk

hello. this is the start of the milk milk blog. the idea for a milk blog came to me when i was on a very long road trip from hamilton island, queensland to melboure, victoria with my girlfriend (ellie).

we were going through a lot of petrol and were having to stop to fill up a lot. we were buying a lot of flavoured milk when we were stopping for petrol. it became a norm to pick up a couple of flavoured milks (one each) each time we filled up. we have always enjoyed flavoured milk and have had many discussions about what makes a good flavoured milk and the quest to find "THE PERFECT FLAVOURED MILK".

i first suggested that ellie start a flavoured milk blog, reviewing all of the milks she has drank. as i was trying to convince her that it would be a good idea; i convinced myself (and not really her).

so here we are.

i think that there will be a single post for each individual flavoured milk. the blog will also retroactively cover all the flavoured milks i have ever drank; or will attempt to.

i have decided that i won't backdate posts to the day i drank the milk being discussed/reviewed and i won't do posts in the chronological order i drank the milks. the milks will just get reviewed (and posted) when i decide to review (and post) them.

i also haven't concreted how the reviews will be, formologically speaking. this may change, it may not.

like milk, i am letting the blog have an ultimately non-(overly)-viscous nature.

enjoy the milk?